Authored by Flan

Right.

Dark Souls Master Race.

Dark Souls is one of the best action RPG games of all time, if not the very best. I put forward the motion that it is in fact the best game ever designed by Hidetaka Miyazaki, in fact. It’s better than Bloodborne, Dark Souls 2, Demon’s Souls, and who fucking knows what King’s Field is like. I sure as hell haven’t played it.

So why’s Dark Souls so goddamn good? It was the first I played out of all of them after all, but here’s the thing. It’s the most balanced of all the games. There’s no bullshit attacks, no fucking overpowered as hell enemies that you shouldn’t be expected to fight, and there are so many goddamn weapons available right from the start of the game you will definitely have something to look forward to later on, as well as a fucking armory of swords or spears or axes to start using straight off the bat. This is one of the strongest points of Dark Souls – you just have so many options, instantly.

Dark Souls 2 on the other hand, I can name only a few weapons you can even obtain early on. Like, there’s the dagger, the hand axe, the morning star, the short sword… okay, really not bad, but these are all so hidden I’d be fuckin shocked if you managed to stumble on any of these except maybe the short sword or morning star. The dagger’s easy though. So there’s that! You can have an always trash tier weapon at the start of the game! Fantastic! Deprived in Dark Souls had a much easier time of it, to say the least.

Demon’s Souls, going back in time for a sec, also has that kind of brutal ‘too bad no weapon for you’ thing going. You want a rapier? Welp, better get going to world like 3-1 or whatever straight after you beat 1-1, buddy boy, and not a second before then. This is a time when I don’t even mind lacking gear. You can get enough weaponry at the start. Just… enough. It’s easier to excuse this game because in general it’s fucking brütal so you just gotta roll with it and bend over.

Bloodborne is the real motherfucker of the bunch though. Holy fuck guys. Where are the weapons? Seriously. You have to beat at least one boss to even get the chance to BUY your weapons. Like, fuck man, why so goddamn harsh? At this point, it’s like if you picked the wrong weapon, Hide-kun is like ‘fuck you man desu restart from the beginning kuso’. And then you have to buy most of these weapons anyway. Like, goddamn. They ain’t cheap either. I got my second ‘I am actually going to fucking use this’ weapon at fucking Cainhurst, which is like half way into the fucking goddamn game. That’s fucked.

So okay, Dark Souls is thus the winner. Definitely. I mean, come on. Straight up you have easy access to the Estoc, relatively easy access to the Winged Spear and THE ABSOLUTELY GODLIKE Zweihander. If you were lucky as hell you might have a short bow dropped from that archer guy above the Asylum Demon (yes he can drop that bow). If you have the Master Key (which you do because you’re a smart fuckin cookie) you can go straight to goddamn Blighttown, and get a motherfucking Iaito and be the ninja you know you can never be IRL. Or the fucking whip, if you really want a challenge. And you can get like 9k in Large Proud Knight souls, which are 3k each. This is a pain unless you know what you’re doing, BUT THIS SHIT IS RIGHT THERE. On top of that, you’ve got cheap shit from the undead merchant in the burg, if you really want something cheap and right the fuck now.

Gameplay is also the strong point of Dark Souls. I don’t know, I had kind of a unique experience with the first boss by fighting him fairly in a 1 on 1 duel on top of the watchtower as opposed to jumping on his fucking head, sword out like a sensible bastard. So that got my head round the game real fuckin quick. From then on though, I had no problem with the game. The difficulty of Dark Souls is not legendary, in the same way the Demon’s Souls is, or Dark Souls 2 has it’s stupid bullshit.

So okay lets talk about this difficulty shit real quick.

Dark Souls’ difficulty comes from rolling. If you’re dex. You wanna be lazy, pick up the Eagle Shield and just ayy la fuckin mao your way through everything with L1 held, and watch motherfuckers whiff you constantly while your stamina remains an immovable object – like your squishy self. I don’t know, there’s no real serious ‘fuck you you’re dead’ bits in this game where stupid shit takes over. Unlike Dark Souls 2. There are times when the unexpected happens, but the player is always the one to blame. And this is important. The player should be the one who fucks up, and then is punished. Not ‘fuck you man, you’re going to fucking die, that’s it, fuck you and fuck your souls, you’re dead cunt, so dead’. I just don’t know what to say. Enemies just are a lot squishier in general, your weapons scale up perfectly to what you’re fighting, and you’re always rewarded when you try to fight with strategy as opposed to dumb ass brute force.

Dark Souls 2. Where do I begin. I’m obviously going to talk about SotFS, since DS2 has been deprecated – who the fuck plays that anymore anyway. So, SotFS. What the fuck man. You’ve got shit like that ogre in the forest now, straight up at the start of the game? Why the fucking shit is he there? People say shit like “you gotta run past him man” but that’s not right. You need to prove your manliness. He’s killable, but he takes so many fucking hits, and ONE mistake, and you are fucking GONE. Like so many enemies and situations in Dark Souls 2. The NPC phantoms this time around just went up to fucking 11. The AI for NPCs has, let’s face it, never been good. In DS2 though, I gotta say, Maldron, man. Whoever did Maldron deserves a medal. Never before have I seen shit like this. And that was cool.

But then there’s other shit like times when you’re pitched off cliffs and shit, or instagibbed by things you cannot possibly see coming. Or times when you’re straight up violated from behind because you walked into a trap purely by accident, when it was never possible for you to determine through logical reasoning and peeking around corners that there even was a trap. Some of the enemies in this game are just brutal. And then my personal pet hate, the knights at Dragon Shrine. Why are those huge ass motherfuckers given such an attack rate boost? Even with a goddamn rapier, or espada, you’re fucked. You can’t 1v1 those guys. Or you could! Sure! You can do that. But why would you?

Poison arrows are stupid op. You can sit back and just poison so many assholes to death. And this is stupid. I hate this. Why make enemies so fucking hard, consistently, then make it so I can just sit back and poison them. Why. This is nice, because I can say “fuck you” to the annoying ass enemies like these knights who I just cannot be fucking bothered spending hours fighting because they have so much goddamn hp and yet so much goddamn damage, but also shitty, because I WANT to be able to fight literally every enemy in the game, and come out on top when I play properly.

The knights though are like minibosses. Fuck that. I hate that shit. Minibosses are meant to be minibosses, not fucking every five steps you take. There’s like six of these assholes in the shrine, at least. And you have to fight all of them, or feel the wrath of all the other dudes at the shrine. Fuck this.

The bosses are okay, but most of them just piss me off. Ruin Sentinels are just bullshit, and piss me off no end. I’m good at them now, like after several hundred hours I can now pretty consistently beat any boss first try or so, but so many bosses still just piss me off because of their attacks. Ruin sentinels have massive fucking goddamn swipes, how the fuck do you dodge that shit? Sucks fuckin ass, that’s what. I know how to dodge that shit, but sometimes I just don’t want every goddamn enemy I fight to end up being a whole boss fight. Fucking huge ass hp bosses as regular enemies, fuck em to hell. The boss fight was okay, but then you fight them in Drangleic Castle? What the fuck man, there’s like 5 of them in the one room, and if you aren’t VERY careful you can aggro all of them at once. And then there’s all the adds in that room too. What the fuck.

The DLC made Dark Souls 2 worth playing. The Smelter Demon 2 was a fucking fantastic boss, Fume Knight was Artorias-tier boss quality, so was Sir Alonne for that matter. The Ivory King was a pretty cool boss too, gotta say. Good fun. Having to collect all of the friendly knights was cool too, and that armor set with that helmet was fucking badass. Sunken King was kind of trash though. Fuck that DLC. Boring gloomy area with shitty enemies that just piss you off more than they beat your ass. Funnily enough I don’t really remember why I hate that one so much, but it’s just shitty and not fun.

Funny thing, I’d probably play it again, but I won’t now, because I’ve already played through Dark Souls 2 every possible way, and every time it’s just fucking boring as hell. Also, the extra final boss of SotFS is shit. Fucking what’s his name? Dumbfuck, Scholar of the First Sin? Yeah, what a shit fucking fight. He’s not hard, just annoying and bullshit, which is typical of Dark Souls 2.

Demon’s Souls… I haven’t played this enough to really say much. I am pissed off that it’s so goddamn hard, but that’s okay, it’s Demon’s Souls. It is, like I said, brütal. Fucking crazy. This game is meant to, unlike the other games, test your sanity and your might. So I can take it. Dark Souls 2 really feels like the sequel to this game, not Dark Souls 1. This is why I fucking hate Dark Souls 2. Call it Demon’s Souls 2 if you’re doing that shit.

Bloodborne. I can’t say I have really enjoyed most of the bosses. They’re all pretty trash. Micolash was just a fucking mistake – he has two attacks, a huge AoE instagib, and then a long range single target instagib, and he can spam both of them because he has literally no cooldowns and no other possible attacks besides swatting at you with his meager little girly hands. Rom was actually a kind of cool boss, so that was nice. The rest of the NPC hunters I’ve fought are shit. Fucking bullshit. All of them. Not as bad as the phantoms from Dark Souls 2, but still pretty fucked. Gascoigne is probably my favourite fight so far. Fuckin Gascoigne, man, that was one skin-of-your-teeth fight. That was what made Bloodborne great. It just feels like that sensation of risk/reward is kind of gone now. It’s just gone back to Dark Souls style ‘hit boss until it attacks then back up and maybe heal’. There’s no real reason to YOLO SWAGGERINO into a fight 1 on 1 against the boss all like HIT ME MOTHERFUCKER I WILL TEAR YOUR ASSHOLE INTO A GAPING MAW THEN SHOVE MY GODDAMN SWORD UP THERE AND FUCK YOU WITH IT, no, there’s no point to that, in Bloodborne if you take too much damage, like in any game, you fucking die. The risk/reward is too risky. Why risk when you can just go for the reward? Just back off and heal. You have 20 flasks, you asshole, so just fucking use them and stop trying to kill yourself by hitting the boss to get your hp back. That never works.

Gascoigne worked as a boss because he had actual delays on his attacks, and so many times when you could actually get in a charge attack, and then not get 1-shot after he hit you once while the hammer came down. That happens all the time. Even when you immediately start charging after the boss misses an attack, good fucking luck landing that charged power attack without taking at least one hit. If you take one hit and die, what the fuck is the point? You’re dead. You can’t rally your hp back when dead. This is why Bloodborne fails in it’s whole ‘aggressive risk/reward’ system. They sort of gave up on it mid-development.

Maybe then, Bloodborne isn’t finished? Maybe that’s why they released DLC for it? Is that why shit like beasthood just doesn’t seem to fucking do anything, and why there are certain things that just don’t work, etc? That would explain a lot. Bloodborne didn’t even have 3 full years of development, from start to finish. And crafting a whole fresh new game like this from start to finish takes time.

So Bloodborne isn’t even really that hard a game. It just has a very different style, similar to Dark Souls 2 compared to Dark Souls 1, and you gotta accept and adapt. The playstyle isn’t even that different.

One thing. Are all these games good? I dunno, I guess. But Bloodborne and Dark Souls 2 are both flawed. In Bloodborne, you have to go all the way back to the hub and then teleport back again by figuring out which gravestone to go to then reawakening by going through another loadscreen. So two load screens, just to reload a single area. Even if you just quit and reloaded your save, that’s still two loadscreens. And that wouldn’t refresh the area anyway, only certain things. Also, there’s no menu at the lanterns. Lanterns NEED a goddamn menu. Why can’t I even sort anything at the lantern? It’s a nice feel, that I have to go back to the hub to go change my shit, it makes it more of a home and less of a transport hub for nothing but transport. But it pisses me off and slows the game down a lot.

Dark Souls 2 just fucked up and made way too many enemies deal way too much damage and have way too much goddamn health and armor. And the rapiers are just way too overpowered. Too many enemies can be too easily destroyed by the rapiers, but when you pull out a big heavy weapon, you get your ass handed to you because of how fucking long it takes to throw even one attack, when in the same space of time you could have pissed away your entire stamina bar on a series of attacks that could even kill a player from full health in one swift fucking unrecoverable combo. Trust me, I’ve done that. Rapiers are op. All the big weapons do have slightly more damage, but what’s better? Like 12 fucking attacks from a 550 damage rapier or some shit, or 1 and a half clumsy ass attacks from a huge ass Zweihander that does 700 damage? Bullshit. Then there’s all those ridiculous PvP builds out there that make Giantdad look like a goddamn SL1 fists only PvP focused build. Mundane Santier’s comes to mind. Havels. Shit like that. I’ve told Giantdad’s to go fuck themselves only by parrying their slow ass swords before, as a goddamn invader myself (fuck yes Hornet ring). But shit like Santiers – what the fuck do you do man? What do you do against that? And other assorted shit that I can’t even name.

Dark Souls 1 is just the pure shining example of the perfect Souls game. Everything else should be measured by this golden standard. And as usual if you disagree you’re a fucking retard and I am goddamn right.